I’ve always loved James Bond stories and one of my favorite TV shows was Spooks on the BBC. I guess the idea of secret missions, shooting guns and saving the world is fairly exciting. So can you imagine my excitement at being given a Spy Academy experience run by Buyagift.
Having driven out to Milton Keynes in my Aston Martin, (I wish) I prepared myself for training. The site looked like a farm and the meeting point was a barn where you would normally send the tractors after a hard day ploughing or whatever tractors do. The barn was adorned with pictures of the various James Bonds looking swarve and sophisticated which I’m sure were aimed to get me in the mood for Spying but sadly these images didn’t offset the dirty barn and the ill prepared presentation that was on hidden cameras and microphones that really failed to impress. We have Webcams, CCTV and recording devices that can be bought on the high street and appear to do the same thing. The presentation didn’t make me feel this technology was special in any way. This then led to a self-defense class that showed me how to defend myself from someone with a rubber knife. It did remind me of a Monty Python sketch where a group of people were learning how to defend themselves from someone welding some fruit. I was tempted to ask, “When do we learn to defend ourselves from someone holding a pointed stick” but I just went along with the rather rushed training which was then followed up with the caveat of “Don’t try this at home” as it “Probably won’t work”
We then moved on to a shooting range that I was hoping would be real rifles and targets but it was just a bunch of air rifles like the ones you get at the fairground but without the chance to win a teddy bear or a goldfish. I actually enjoyed this part of the day but the effort involved in taking each shot was far removed from any spy antics I was expecting. It was just a bunch of blokes shooting empty plastic mike bottles with pellets. I somehow doubt my shooting skills and small pieces of lead would hold back attacking henchman for very long. We then moved into learning how to attack an empty field with plastic machine guns and plastic pellets. This was now far removed from the world of international espionage I’d signed up for and closer to learning about being in the army. If it was an Army Academy then I’d have understood but the plastic guns didn’t function, as the batteries were dead which now was starting to test my patience. However, I should really take some sort of pleasure in knowing that after all my efforts, something had actually died.
I couldn’t believe things could get much worse during this experience day. Then we moved into an outdoor version of Laser Quest. Now dressed in a oversized helmet and very oversized Alien style laser machine gun. As the rain came down and the whistle blew to start the match I soon discovered that the gun made a bang bang sounds from its built in speaker but didn’t actually have any impact on the people I was shooting at. To test this I stood less than a meter from some poor wet sod and fired to my hearts content. I let rip until my laser bullet counter went dry and it did nothing. Maybe I should have used a pointed stick?
The final two phases of this adventure were quick draws with a plastic pistol that must now mean I’ve joined Western Academy? I’m not sure how many spy films draw from a leg holster? I’m sure I remember James Bond having a shoulder holster at least. This then followed on to the next activity of throwing an axe into a piece of wood. So that must mean I’ve now join the Game of Throne’s Academy? This activity didn’t last too long as there isn’t much mileage in wood meets axe.
On the whole I was really disappointed with this experience because it was sold as a Spy Academy but was a mixture of poorly prepared sessions that had as much to do with spies as James Bond does with cake baking. It was certainly an experience.
M