There is one thing a new year and a new years day is good for. Reflection. I’ve spent the past few days thinking about the year that’s past and I can’t say that my thoughts are good. Actually, they are bloody awful. When I compare New Years Eve 2014 to 2015 this is most evidential. 12 months ago I was with a large group of people having the time of my life and this year I’m sat at home alone and thinking that I must be a terrible human being. How bad must I have been to have lost everything within a year? Have I learnt from my mistakes? Have I become a better person that people want to be around? I guess not as my NYE invites number zero.
I’m so glad to see the back of 2015 I’m not sure words can really convey. It was a year filled with so much pain, both physical and mental, and both of which I’m still healing from but now much improved. However, in my experience, some things in life can be fixed, some things will remain scars forever and some things will never ever be repaired. Sorry to sound cryptic but stupidly I’m still protecting those that hurt me and those that turned their back on me. I guess I’m also protecting those that did nothing for me in my darkest days. This must all sound very cryptic, self-pitying and self-absorbing but it’s my blog and if you don’t like it, fuck off. This helps me get things right in my head and when I read this back in 20 years time, I’ll remember how I felt about 2015, should I ever forget.
Logically NYE and NYD is just another day and nothing really changes. It is symbolic and numerical only. The symbolism for me marks the end of one life that could have been and the start of whatever I want my life to be but I don’t trust the universe enough to believe it won’t try to upset any well thought out plans I might have for myself. After all, 2015 didn’t go as planned and I put my heart and soul into it. Literally giving myself to the future and my soul almost dying in the process. What life is this? My spine failing me early in the year and the endless pain it left me with was beyond my ability to control and handle on a daily basis. I had to manage the pain and my recovery the best I could but the price was much higher than I could ever have imagined. It’s only upon my NYE reflection that I’ve come to think that maybe it could have saved me too from a far worse fate. A life that was false and emotionless, which is a slow death, as Shakespeare once said, ‘to thine own self be true’. It’s taken a long time for me to realise that. The year hasn’t been a complete disaster and the highlights are here for all to see in my blog. I’m proud of the adventures I finally managed to cram into the final quarter of the year. The trip to Texas and people I met along the way being a great memory but I’m also very aware of what’s not written here, the stories of the people in my world who’ve past away. With my new job I’ve made some new friends and I love working with this team. It’s re-energised me for the year ahead.
So, I wish you all a happy new year. The year ahead will find new ways to challenge us all and give us rewards too. A year of endless possibilities for both I’m sure. Wishing you all the good luck and strength you’ll need for 2016.
M